This is my journey to the middle because I am tired of unintentionaly continuing my journey to the bottom with every intention of taking my journey to the top. I figure if I can shoot for the middle..I will be so satisfied once I feel like I have reached my goal (or goals) I just may feel like I am on top. Or maybe I will just stop feeling so crappy pretty much all of the time.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kristina. I am 25 years old, a wife to Andy and a mother to Emma (5), Mackenzie (3), and most recently I have become mom to Dane (2 months). We live in a suburb off of Tacoma, Washington that has small town hospitality with big city traffic. My husband works an 8 to 5 job as manager of the installation department at the biggest HVAC company in our area. We live in a three bedroom upstairs apartment that we keep as nice as we can. We do a lot of playing the cards we have been dealt and rolling with it. Too much, hense the blog here.
Okay, we can get to more of all that at another date. I am here to talk about me. I am in love with my husband and my children have always been my entire world. Since Emma was born I have obsessed myself with my kids and pretty much nothing but my kids. I do have a pretty nice circle of girlfriends that I think I am extremely close to, but as we have all come upon our quarter life.. we have drifted a bit. It's normal. Okay, so I have gained SO much weight with all the baby having. I am not exaggerating either. I have been bouncing between the same 80 lbs of excess weight since 2004. Whoa. So, on top of that I am dealing with depression (post partum or not.. I'm unsure) and pretty terrible anxiety. I get pretty much no help with my kiddos at all (by this I mean no help from Andy or ANY of the kids' grandparents) and I am like 90% positive my husband doesn't find me even the least bit attractive. I am 100% positive he doesn't have very much respect or understanding for what I do every day. I am a stay at home mom. Believe me, if you knew me, you would never think of me as the type to be a SAHM. I have had so many dreams over the years, mostly to teach theatre in a college, maybe high school setting. Move to New York, do SOMETHING remarkable. Amazing. I have always wanted to be somebody. Well, then I had kids. Now I have to make THEM into somebodies.
More about all that later too. I am done having children. Dane was the last baby we are planning to have. Andy is going to get fixed.. if you know what I'm sayin. I have decided to give myself some ME time. Although I understand it is unrealistic to pursue a lot of the dreams I have had, I am going to start small. In the back of my head I have been telling myself I am so unhappy because I need Zoloft or Prozac or something. It JUST hit me that I need so much more than that. I need a life! Of my own! I am going to start creating my life by losing my weight once and for all. How, you ask? I am going to run a marathon. By this time next year, I will be able to say that I have run a marathon. I am out of shape. I have about 60 lbs to lose just to be in a healthy range for my height. I want to be IN shape, sexy even. I want to look in the mirror and say to myself, "At least you look good". In addition to all the running.. I have decided to go back to school. The only college I have completed is in the medical field. The boring side of the medical field at that. I am going to school for cosmetology. Damn skippy. I plan to start in the summer if the program even starts then.
I am going to blog about my journey because I need to. Not only for myself, but because I know so many other mothers are out there wondering who the hell they are every day. Other moms that need a purpose other than.. being moms. I am only 25 years old and I swear I feel like I am 40.. maybe even older. I understand that this wont be easy but it is necessary. I need to prove everyone wrong that thinks I am a flake (including my husband). Tomorrow I am going to get on the treadmill and run. I am going to run until I can't anymore just to see how long I can even go.
Wish me luck. We are in this together.... kind of.