"Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired." - George S. Patton

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Worst Run Ever

... well for me.

Let me start out by saying after my ridiculous 7 mile run on Monday, I took two days off. My legs felt like they had been run over by a semi. I was eager to hit the pavement today.

Everything went wrong. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but some outside force was kicking my butt all day long. I guess some of it was self inflicted, however. I'll start by explaining my non-runner's diet of the day to you:

Breakfast: Three cups of coffee with creamer, and a lean cuisine ravioli dinner. (Hey, you can at least see I was trying to go semi healthy, right?)

Snack: A big fat enriched roll of goodness with a slice of pepper jack cheese and some turkey/ham concoction melted on it. (no... i'm not pregnant)

Lunch: An Americano and some sour patch kids (approximately 34).

Snack: Two (yeah, you read that right) special K bars.

Dinner: to be decided post run.

Okay, so from my diet today you can see I drank no water and ate enough carbs and crappy food to kill a gorilla. I'm not sure what I was thinking there.

So at 7:30pm I embarked on my measly 4 mile run. I drove to the nearby trail and parked my minivan. I got out, stretched,and turned on the ipod. The soothing sounds of Limp Bizkut's "Nookie" was getting me pumped. I suddenly felt like I was being watched. I turned around only to see the creepiest emo kid I think I have ever seen staring at me. He wasn't even trying to hide it.

I got back into the minivan, and drove off.

Plan B was to park at my brother-in-law's house and run down a different path than I am used to. It started off okay, a little pain, I was sluggish and the heat was not very forgiving. A mile down the road I glance down at the pavement and notice another shadow behind mine. Instead of slyly peaking over my shoulder, I screamed. Like an idiot. Then I proceeded to jump into someone's yard and watched the bum on a bike, with a backpack (probably full of killing supplies) pass me. I tried to play it cool and continue on, but then I just kept thinking about the chance that down the road the bum may realize I am irresistible in my lime green running pants and try to attack. I decided to turn around and take another route. Meanwhile, my legs are feeling broken and I am so bloated from the day's diet, I look and feel 6 months pregnant.

The rest of the run went fairly average(aside from an abnormal amount of hooting an hollering from the passer byes) until I encountered a moment of terror I hope I never have to endure again.

A bug the size of a softball (okay, maybe a dime, but you get the idea) flew directly into my eye and blinded me! I mean this wasn't your ordinary gnat or something, this beast was trying to have my eyeball for dinner. I began smacking my face repeatedly and yelping until I felt like it was gone. This would have been humiliating ordinarily, because I was on one of the busiest streets in Puyallup, but I was clearly fighting for my life.

I headed back to my minivan and thanked my brother-in-law for the free parking opportunity. I was telling him about the close encounter I had with the killer cricket and checked my eye out in the mirror to make sure I got it out. Ladies and gentlemen, I DID NOT. After pulling my bottom eyelid down a hair, I realized that it was still in there! About ten minutes of sheer panic, assault on myself, and a quick self performed bugectomy, I can safely say, the bug that tried to destroy my running career is dead. I don't even feel bad about that.

The moral of the story is, eat better during the day... not only for your health, but for your karma. Also, it is always a good idea to wear sunglasses while running.


  1. "Ladies and gentlemen, I DID NOT." hahahaha. You are the funniest person ever! I'm so glad you survived the Great Bug Attack of 2010.

  2. Good story. Cathy

  3. You're hilarious!

  4. I seriously laughed out loud about the screaming and jumping into a yard part!

  5. 4 months later and I'm still laughing.