The Worst Run Ever

... well for me.

Let me start out by saying after my ridiculous 7 mile run on Monday, I took two days off. My legs felt like they had been run over by a semi. I was eager to hit the pavement today.

Everything went wrong. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but some outside force was kicking my butt all day long. I guess some of it was self inflicted, however. I'll start by explaining my non-runner's diet of the day to you:

Breakfast: Three cups of coffee with creamer, and a lean cuisine ravioli dinner. (Hey, you can at least see I was trying to go semi healthy, right?)

Snack: A big fat enriched roll of goodness with a slice of pepper jack cheese and some turkey/ham concoction melted on it. (no... i'm not pregnant)

Lunch: An Americano and some sour patch kids (approximately 34).

Snack: Two (yeah, you read that right) special K bars.

Dinner: to be decided post run.


Okay, so from my diet today you can see I drank no water and ate enough carbs and crappy food to kill a gorilla. I'm not sure what I was thinking there.

So at 7:30pm I embarked on my measly 4 mile run. I drove to the nearby trail and parked my minivan. I got out, stretched,and turned on the ipod. The soothing sounds of Limp Bizkut's "Nookie" was getting me pumped. I suddenly felt like I was being watched. I turned around only to see the creepiest emo kid I think I have ever seen staring at me. He wasn't even trying to hide it.

I got back into the minivan, and drove off.

Plan B was to park at my brother-in-law's house and run down a different path than I am used to. It started off okay, a little pain, I was sluggish and the heat was not very forgiving. A mile down the road I glance down at the pavement and notice another shadow behind mine. Instead of slyly peaking over my shoulder, I screamed. Like an idiot. Then I proceeded to jump into someone's yard and watched the bum on a bike, with a backpack (probably full of killing supplies) pass me. I tried to play it cool and continue on, but then I just kept thinking about the chance that down the road the bum may realize I am irresistible in my lime green running pants and try to attack. I decided to turn around and take another route. Meanwhile, my legs are feeling broken and I am so bloated from the day's diet, I look and feel 6 months pregnant.

The rest of the run went fairly average(aside from an abnormal amount of hooting an hollering from the passer byes) until I encountered a moment of terror I hope I never have to endure again.

A bug the size of a softball (okay, maybe a dime, but you get the idea) flew directly into my eye and blinded me! I mean this wasn't your ordinary gnat or something, this beast was trying to have my eyeball for dinner. I began smacking my face repeatedly and yelping until I felt like it was gone. This would have been humiliating ordinarily, because I was on one of the busiest streets in Puyallup, but I was clearly fighting for my life.

I headed back to my minivan and thanked my brother-in-law for the free parking opportunity. I was telling him about the close encounter I had with the killer cricket and checked my eye out in the mirror to make sure I got it out. Ladies and gentlemen, I DID NOT. After pulling my bottom eyelid down a hair, I realized that it was still in there! About ten minutes of sheer panic, assault on myself, and a quick self performed bugectomy, I can safely say, the bug that tried to destroy my running career is dead. I don't even feel bad about that.

The moral of the story is, eat better during the day... not only for your health, but for your karma. Also, it is always a good idea to wear sunglasses while running.